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The Red Dust Of Harmony Gulch: A Tale Of The Wild West

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The untamed American West. 1876.

This is a land without borders and without laws. You are a solitary rider without a past and without a name. The sunrise frames your rugged silhouette as you and your horse make your westbound way across the desert.

Your horses name is Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D. (Dr. Nate for short). His mother was named Linda: The Horse Who Forgave Judas, and his father was named Professor Ronald Horse, Ph.D. His entire lineage is a whos who of world-famous equestrian titans. Your horse has more of a past than his rider. It is often this way in the West; memories, like hoofprints, are blown away in the wind.

Yes. We are twice of a friend, Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D. replies.

Bad science happened to Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam when he was a horse puppy and now he can say a handful of English words. His grammar is terrible because of his brain, but its still pretty amazing for a horse.

We have done a delicious memory as more if many and its several. And plus forever! Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam continues. His voice is kind and full of friendship.

He can actually be very eloquent when he wants to be, but mostly he is stoic and only speaks occasionally, just like the taciturn, blood-red rocks of the unforgiving Wild West.

You ride on as the dawn brightens to full-blown morning. You fly across the desert toward the western horizon.

Youve got to find water fast, or else you and Dr. Nate are both done for.

Suddenly, off in the distance, you see the dim light of a lonely Western town.

You and Dr. Nataniel Bedlam, M.D. approach the gates of the settlement. A lone gunman stationed outside cocks his Claxton-Borfgarr rifle and points it right at your heart.

Whoa, stop right there, stranger, says the guard. This here is Harmony Gulch, the most orderly town in the whole of the disorderly West. If you want to get in here, youve got to state your name and business first. Who are you, and what do you want?

Is that so, stranger? asks the gunman in a cold voice. Well, if you want to get rough and wild in the violent kind of way, I have no qualms about putting the bullet snout of my Claxton-Borfgarr up to your heart and pulling the trigger.

You and the gunman stare each other down. The gunmans finger is curled around the trigger of his rifle.

In a panic, you rush over to the kindest person in the world. The cowboys stray bullet hit him so hard right in the lungs that his brain caught on fire. Things are not looking good for him.

Its all going black for me! I love trees and animals, says the kindest person in the world.

Acting swiftly, you whip out your science kit and attempt to use Good Science to save the life of the kindest person in the world.

Helping people is like food for me! gasps the kindest person in the world. His eyes roll back into his head and he begins to lose consciousness.

Youll have to act quickly if you want to save this mans life. Fortunately, during your aimless travels in the West, you have learned the most advanced medical procedures available in 1876.

Which state-of-the-art medical procedure will you perform to save the life of the kindest person in the world?

You pull a cockroach out of your science kit and place it in the mans mouth to go eat the bullet.

I want to bake something delicious for the man who murdered me, says the kindest person in the world.

Shh, you tell him, try not to talk too much. Just let the cockroach do his holy work.

The cockroach scurries down your patients throat, enters his veins, and locates the bullet, which is lodged in his brain. The cockroach eats the bullet in one bite.

The operation was a success!

Please donate my teeth to an orphan so that he can paint little faces on them and pretend that he has dozens of tiny parents, says the kindest person in the world. He turns his face to the sun as the light in his eyes grows dim.

I want to knit giant cylindrical sweaters for all the trees on the planet, he says.

With those final words, the kindest person in the world dies and goes to Hell to suffer an eternity of agony.

You dig a shallow grave for the kindest person in the world. You bury him in the ground, and a wooden cross sprouts out of the ground like a tree growing in fast motion.

You step up to the grave of the kindest man in the world. You want to say something thoughtful about him, but you know that if you get overly sentimental, then your image as a terse and rugged hero will be forever tarnished. Youll have to split the difference.

Which eulogy will you say for the kindest person in the world?

You leave the kindest person in the world behind. He belongs to the desiccated soil of the West now.

You and Dr. Nate enter Harmony Gulch. Its a bustling town that is bursting at the seams with law and order. Everyone walks in a single-file line and begins every sentence with the words Thank you.

In the lawless hellscape of the West, youre amazed to find this oasis of law and order.

Of course I know that famous horse! says the gunman. Everyone knows Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D. He is the great-grandson of Beatrice: The Horse With Fingers and the nephew of Louis, The Dead, Frozen Horse That Knows Spanish. His famous deeds are well-known throughout the world!

Its an honor to meet you, sir, he says to Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D.

Your famous horse beams proudly. Myself the tremendous! he says to the gunman.

The gunman slings his Claxton-Borfgarr over his shoulder. You two are more than welcome here in Harmony Gulch. In fact, its an honor.

You and Dr. Nate enter Harmony Gulch. Its a bustling town that is bursting at the seams with law and order. Everyone walks in a single-file line and begins every sentence with the words Thank you.

In the lawless hellscape of the West, youre amazed to find this oasis of law and order.

You glance around the polite town of Harmony Gulch. You see two cowboys ride their horses at each other at a full gallop. They meet and shake each others hands. Two men meeting each other, they say to one another in unison. For some reason, this seems far more polite and orderly than a normal handshake.

While the cowboys are shaking hands, their horses kiss each other deeply on the mouth, which is also extremely polite.

You see a man step out of his home and walk into the middle of the street.

Everyone, I have a somber announcement, he says loudly. All the people on the street politely turn to look at him. Windows open and curious heads stick out to listen to the mans announcement.

I owe you all an apology, the man continues. I have just awoken from an extremely rude dream in which a dog said the foul word groin. I am so sorry.

Everyone politely applauds his bravery and honesty. They hang him for his crime of rude dream language. His dying words are Firm handshakes.

You search the streets of Harmony Gulch for someone to show you around. A cowboy waves to you from across the street.

Howdy, stranger, the man says as you approach. Welcome to Harmony Gulch, the best-behaved place in the West. My name is Rattlesnake James. I got my nickname on account of how one time I saw a rattlesnake. Its amazing to meet you. What brings a dusty-faced stranger like yourself to a polite and orderly town such as this?

Well, if youre just passing through, then the only polite thing to do is show you around! says Rattlesnake James. Youve got to meet all the kind, well-mannered folk of Harmony Gulch, and youve got to be introduced to our esteemed sheriff, The Bossy Cube. Follow me!

Rattlesnake James leads you to a man who is hammering some molten steel on an anvil.

This is Gorgeous Blacksmith, the town blacksmith. He makes things out of metal all day long. He only makes lawful things, like horseshoes and metal cans that you can drink seawater out of.

Rattlesnake James leads you to a building with iron bars on the windows.

This is the County Jail, says Rattlesnake James. Its where we keep our criminals, and its the home of our incredible sheriff, The Bossy Cube. As far as sheriffs go in the chaotic West, The Bossy Cube cannot be beat. His lawful rule and bossy ways are the only reason Harmony Gulch is so full of order and good manners.

You walk through the door of the jail and find yourself in a huge white room. In the center, there is an enormous white cube wearing a golden star that says Sheriff on it. Its The Bossy Cube.

Approach me! says The Bossy Cube in a deep, booming voice.

You better do what the sheriff says, says Rattlesnake James. Around here, The Bossy Cubes word is law. Its not a good idea to defy his commands.

You walk closer to The Bossy Cube.

Describe me! The Bossy Cube commands.

Describe me! The Bossy Cube thunders again.

Describe him! Rattlesnake James begs you desperately.

I am a cube! The Bossy Cube roars in agreement. This delights me. Now, tell me what you want!

Yes! The Bossy Cube roars in agreement. This delights me! Now, tell me what you want!

Miserable! thunders The Bossy Cube. He grows red with fury. You dare accuse me of the crime of roundness? Disgusting! The room begins to shake, and the walls begin to crumble. Rattlesnake James flees the County Jail in terror, leaving you alone with the furious Bossy Cube.

I am not of Round! The Bossy Cube shrieks. I am of Sides and Corners! I am The One True Cube! You are not Order! You are Chaos! You must go to Prison!

You try to escape, but before you can make it out the door, The Bossy Cube sucks you into his body. The surface of The Bossy Cube is thick like syrup, and you sink into it slowly, screaming in horror. After a few hours, you emerge from the top of his head as a perfect, featureless sphere.

Now you are the one who is of Round! bellows The Bossy Cube. And so you shall remain until the end of all time.

You remain a sphere for the rest of eternity. People refer to you as The Round Sadness, and it becomes a crime to dream about you. This is how it is forever.

The End.

I will NEVER forgive you! I am a Cube! shrieks The Bossy Cube.

The Bossy Cube sucks you into his body. The surface of The Bossy Cube is thick like syrup, and you sink into it slowly, screaming in horror. After a few hours, you emerge from the top of his head as a perfect, featureless sphere.

Now you are the one who is of Round! bellows The Bossy Cube. And so you shall remain until the end of all time.

You remain a sphere for the rest of eternity. People refer to you as The Round Sadness, and it becomes a crime to dream about you. This is how it is forever.

The End.

Very well! says The Bossy Cube. I will do the things to you that a Cube does to the things that it hates!

The Bossy Cube sucks you into his body. The surface of The Bossy Cube is thick like syrup, and you sink into it slowly, screaming in horror. After a few hours, you emerge from the top of his head as a perfect, featureless sphere.

Now you are the one who is of Round! bellows The Bossy Cube. And so you shall remain until the end of all time.

You remain a sphere for the rest of eternity. People refer to you as The Round Sadness, and it becomes a crime to dream about you. This is how it is forever.

The End.

The Bossy Cube trembles and becomes a being of pure water. Drink of me! commands The Bossy Cube.

You and Dr. Nate gallop on. Its a wonderful day in the West for galloping aimlessly, and you are feeling fine.

Suddenly, you hear the sound of a Brefton-Sledge .45 caliber revolver cocking behind you.

Not another step there, cowboy, says a cruel voice.

You turn to find yourself face-to-face with an out-of-control desert bandit. Hes got his Brefton-Sledge pointed right in your face.

All right, were off to a good start, says the bandit. Now, give me all of your water.

Although your face betrays no emotion, you feel a stab of fear. In the cruel, sun-drenched desert of the lawless West, water is more valuable than gold, and a cowboy without water is liable to die of thirst in a matter of hours.

Allow me to introduce myself, the bandit sneers. My name is the Mega-Puberty Rascal. Folks gave me the Mega-Puberty part of my name because Im all finished with puberty in the biggest way possible. Puberty hit my body the way Noahs flood hit the earth. My voice is as deep as Satans throat and Ive done all my growth spurts, plus Ive had my sexual awakening and I love to kiss, on account of my glands squirting out love poisons into my membranes.

I got the Rascal part of my name because Im always robbing and killing people, which is typical rascal behavior.

Well, here in Harmony Gulch were far too polite to turn away thirsty strangers. If you want water, though, youre going to have to take it up with our sheriff, The Bossy Cube.

The gunman stands aside to let you and Dr. Nate pass.

Ive come for your water. Give me all the liquid youve got, and maybe Ill let you live.

Although your face betrays no emotion, you feel a stab of fear. In the cruel, sun-drenched desert of the lawless West, water is more valuable than gold, and a cowboy without water is liable to die of thirst in a matter of hours.

With blinding speed, you whip your pistol out of your holster and fire it at the gunman. It misses him and hits the kindest person in the world.

I had so much love left to give! cries the kindest person in the world. He falls to the ground. I hope everyone has a nice day! he adds.

While the guard is distracted by the dying cries of the kindest person in the world, you and Dr. Nate enter Harmony Gulch. Its a bustling town that is bursting at the seams with law and order. Everyone walks in a single-file line and begins every sentence with the words Thank you.

In the lawless hellscape of the West, youre amazed to find this oasis of law and order.

You reach into your holster, pull out your pistol, and fire it straight at the Clam-Noticing Kid. The bullet misses by a considerable margin and hits the angel who holds the sun up.

I was extremely important! cries the angel as he clutches at the hole in his chest. He lets go of the sun and tumbles toward the earth.

With no angel to hold it in the sky, the sun begins plummeting toward the earth.

Here I come, you fucks! the sun screams. Im going to turn you all into ashes, just like I promised! The sun hits the earth with tremendous force, and everything is engulfed in flames.

The sun hits the earth, and both of them blow apart in one of the most violent explosions ever to shake the universe.

Im a virgin! the sun yells as it blasts into fiery fragments. Im a virgin!

With one more massive explosion, the sun finally dies.

The earth is completely destroyed, and the untamed American West burns along with it.

You really blew it this time. You killed the angel who holds the sun up, so you died, and so did everything on earth, and also the sun died too. Hope youre happy.

The End.

You gallop frantically over to the angel who holds the sun up. Your stray bullet put a hole in his chest, and dove feathers are pouring out of it. Feathers are like blood to angels. Its one of the Ten Commandments.

My feathers! screams the angel, trying to stuff the dove feathers back into his body through his bullet wound. Cram these feathers back inside of me ASAP! Im glorious!

You try to help the angel stuff his feathers back into his body, but apparently you do something very wrong, because with a look of horror in his eyes, the angel unhinges his jaw, opens his mouth to five times its normal size, and vomits out Jesus hanging on the Cross.

Not again! shrieks Jesus. Not again!

My feathers are everywhere! the sobbing angel shouts at Jesus.

God is rancid! He is rancid for letting this happen to me again! Jesus screams into the sky.

I was so important! cries the angel who holds the sun up. Look! he adds, pointing up toward the sky.

You know better than to mess with the bullet spout of a Brefton-Sledge revolver. Better to give the bandit what he wants than to risk your life.

You hand the bandit the fishbowl full of all your water.

The bandit disappears into the heat and haze of the chaotic West with no law to bring him to justice for his crimes. That is the way of this lawless land of terrible manners. You and Dr. Nate have no choice but to ride on.

The Bossy Cube grows scarlet with rage. Who dares refuse to describe The Cube? he asks.

His booming voice is terrifying.

I will make you suffer to no end. You must now go to Jail, the Palace Of Bad Deeds!

I dont care! says The Bossy Cube. There is a flash of white light, and then, suddenly, everything is shrouded in darkness.

You awake to find yourself in a cube-shaped hole. Iron bars at the top of the hole block your escape. You know that this is the proper punishment for disobeying a sheriff as wise as The Bossy Cube.

I deserve this! you call up to the surface.

You deserve this! an unknown voice calls back.

I deserve this! you call again.

You deserve this! the unknown voice calls out once more.

You spend the rest of your life going back and forth like this with this unknown voice, taking turns agreeing that you deserve to be in jail forever. You never find out who the person agreeing with you is, but they die 1,000 years after you do.

The End.

Howdy, stranger! Im doing just fine, says Gorgeous Blacksmith. If youre on your way to meet The Bossy Cube, youre in for a real treat. He is very good at bossing people around and making sure everything is nice and orderly.

I used to love using my anvil to make terrible metal monstrosities. I liked to build metal automatons that looked like men but said horrible rude words. But then The Bossy Cube bossed me around and said Never do that! so now I only make reasonable things like horseshoes.

Yes, the story of how I came to stop building rude automatons is probably the greatest story of all time, Gorgeous Blacksmith agrees.

Rattlesnake James taps you on the shoulder. Please follow me, he says. We must proceed.

Rattlesnake James leads you into the local barbershop. A well-behaved barber is cutting a reasonable mans hair.

This is a man named American Flag, says Rattlesnake James. He is our calm barber.

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