7 Problems That Only Canadians Would Understand
“Take Off ‘eh Hoser!”
The True North Strong and Free, Soviet Canuckistan, America’s Hat. Whatever you call it, the big snowy land mass that hangs out above the United States is home to over 35 million Canadians who are often mocked, rarely understood, and consistently on the verge of hypothermia. The Big White North is not without its big ol’ problems that the rest of the continent just can’t seem to appreciate, eh?
2. 1. Unbearably Heavy Tips
Let’s face it, our currency is annoying, especially on the job. An American one dollar bill can be folded like origami and weighs no more than a gram. Canada passed on paper in 1987 and again in 1996, instead introducing the 7 gram loonie and toonie one and two dollar coins which are each almost as heavy as a Sharpie. The added physical demands of waddling around waiting tables with a fanny pack filled with metal rocks sagging around your waist is a workout!
3. 2. Not Being Part of the Whole Polar Vortex Crisis
You say Polar Vortex? We say welcome to winter! Temperatures that plummet downwards of 20 below are just second nature and we’ve come to accept it as a fact of life like gravity, death, or that Kim and Kanye brought a baby into this world. Sure, we may leave our cars running over night so we can drive to work in the morning but life goes on, planes fly through the sky, and children leave the house to learn. We’re feeling a little left out of the drama but, as about a third of the population says, c’est la vie.
4. 3. Driving Stealth is Totally out of the Question
The coolness associated with driving around stealth is just a misty memory ever since 1989 when all new cars were fitted with daytime running lights. So much for risking your life and looking cool when the sun goes down.
5. 4. Lying Awake in Bed at Night Praying your Roof Doesn’t Collapse
Burglars and boogie men ain’t got nothin’ on the very real fear of being crushed to death by your roof collapsing under the weight of ridiculous amounts of snow. And unlike the monsters that hide under your bed, snow-induced roof collapse is actually responsible for the deaths of numerous unsuspecting victims at shopping malls, businesses, and even in their own homes. Calgary roofing companies like Great Canadian Roofing and Exteriors have their hands full. Some parts of Canada endure nearly 600 inches of snowfall annually and if you’re not quick to clear off the roof above your head, your worst snow-laden nightmares are just one snowflake away from coming true. Sleep tight!
6. 5. No One Takes One of your Most Beloved Sports Seriously
Ah, curling, “chess on ice.” Sure it looks like a bunch of Zambonis furiously trying to clean the ice with brooms to the untrained eye, but to Canadians it’s an Olympic sport that brings its athletes great pride and admiration. Canada has already snagged two gold medals in the Sochi Olympics to date and nobody cares. Nobody. Bragging rights denied!
7. 6. The Public is More Likely to Recognize Drake than the Prime Minister
The Young Money rapper and former Degrassi star from Toronto is known worldwide and his image more identifiable than the Coca Cola logo. Now ask someone to point out or even name the leader of the world’s second largest country and well, you’re out of luck. Prime Minister since 2006, Stephen Harper is virtually unknown to anyone south of the Canadian border plus, he barely gets any credit for coining the term, “YOLO.”
8. 7. All Hallowe’en Costumes Must Be Designed to Fit Over a Snowsuit
As a child, Batman, Barbie, ballerinas, you name it never quite looked right stretched over your bulging winter gear. Hallowe’en costume aspirations were relentlessly squashed by freezing temperatures and as a result, rendered completely unrecognizable; bastardized into horrific variations of the Michelin Man.
Now that the Canadians have aired their grievances on everything from coins to costumes, there’s only one thing left to say: Sorry eh!